Freedom

Freedom was what she yearned for, freedom from the grips for her previous sins for which; she had begged forgiveness from her God yet she remained tainted by them. For her God might have forgiven her but it her own people who would not let her forget her past mistakes. Every time she looked in someone in the eye, she could feel the accusation burning there. Each for her sins were counted again and again and now she felt as though there was nothing that could wash away the mud dirtying her.

~Mad Scribbler

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Being Myself

Being myself, has been the easiest task for me but not for the people who are around me. I know that I am different from the ideals set in this society for being either a good girl or a bad girl. I fit in neither and nor do I entirely fulfill the criterions set for being “modern” or “traditional”. As our society is evolving, much of the evolution around me is cosmetic. For a lasting change educating a girl is the basic chore. One,yet to be understood by many parents. How I became ME is something that I have finally understood. For years and years I tried being many people but finally I became myself. In being me; the first and the most difficult step was, of believing in myself. Once you believe in yourself, the rest is just a blink away.

“There when you stand all alone,

Someone, some light will guide you,

A door shall open,

Some doors might close,

You will have to be strong,

And wise,

To reach for the light,

That comes your way.

Hope will always be there,

But

It is you; who will have to be not blind,

To see the hope sent your way.

The angels that seek to protect you,

The hand that steadies you,

And the tree that shelters you.”

A REWARDING MOMENT..

Everyone was surprised and mostly thought that I was stupid in leaving my career as an engineer which quite frankly was flourishing and instead opting to become a teacher. But I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it, I wasn’t satisfied fixing machines, going over silly user manuals etc I wanted to mold something more than just a wire. I wanted to change the course of someone’s life. I know that sounds extremely manipulative but I mean it in a perfectly positive sense. I wanted to make a difference for my community, my society, my country. The best way to do that was to take up education as a profession. I’ have already marked my course and I am all set for the journey in fact my ship has already left the port. The journey so far has been neither too smooth nor too rough. Recently, I have been a little lost for my cause thinking that there are no rewarding moments but was I wrong indeed. I was blessed with the most rewarding of moments ever. I had taught English last year to grade five sadly, I am not able to teach it again this year even though I have personally started feeling I am a better English teacher than a mathematics one. Anyway, one of my colleagues came up to me with a book in hand. It belonged to one of my former students’ , she had written a composition on the person she admired most. ME!! Sigh ! Rewarding moment indeed. What she had written simply made my day beautiful, the way she expressed her feelings for me not just as a teacher but as a person too. The essence of her writing is something similar to what follows;

“… she is not just a wonderful teacher but also a very nice human being. She puts others first and goes out of her way to make us become better people. May Allah bless her.”

This work from a very young girl made it clear that I had made the right decision, this was what I wanted to do, make better humans. Steer the lives of at least one child into a positive direction. What I am thankful for is that this rewarding moment came at a time when I desperately needed it. When I was feeling like maybe I had made the wrong decision for myself.

Out of all what I have written, I can just conclude that no profession is better or worse than another. Whatever we choose to become, we should do so with a conscious mind and heart and this is what we should teach our children as well. Loving what you do is more important than just doing something. If I would have been pursuing engineer even now, I would have just been a mediocre engineer and I wouldn’t probably have had this wonderful moment then.

WHEN DREAMS FALL APART

After a very long time I am writing again. I don’t know why I stopped writing but I know that at one time words became a burden for me to speak out I just wanted to keep them bottled up inside me. I guess that happens when dreams fall apart initially you seem to be lost and you create mental scenes where your dreams would once more fall back into plan and reach their fulfillment but then comes a stage a resigned acceptance that such a thing won’t be happening. After long that comes a time where you pick up the pieces of yourself and dust your courage and decide to walk with your head held high. For me, I just bottled everything up and decided to skip stage one altogether. I decided that for me being strong was the only solution. I know those of my friends and family who were with me in all this turmoil were worried why I wasn’t falling apart but I just am not that person. I can be cruelest to my own self but to no one else. For me, I know I have at times driven myself beyond my own capacity but all that did me a world of good. As I kept on achieving the targets I had set for myself, I found inner peace, I found my solace. Finally I have picked up the last shatters of me and written something. Writing has always been my best friend and for a very long time I have denied myself this friendship but no more. These words, they are driving me mad with their desire to come out  and form sentences. As I have poured them out today, I have found peace and finally I am no longer concerned about the dreams that fell apart for I have dreams that have actualized and materialized into reality.